15 ways never to get a date

There are a few guys milling around this campus that have a habit of opening their mouths and inserting their foot way too far when they talk to ladies. To be fair, however, a few things on this list can also “go for girls.”

What specifically am I referring to? The cheesy, oft-offensive lines and stupid things men say when they are trying to talk to a lady and trying to at least score a date. So, now, I am going to offer up a list of fifteen things that should not be uttered. I will freely admit that this is mostly based on my biased perspective; and I did get some help from friends on a few of these.

Here goes.

1: “Your Dad must be a damned good mechanic ’cause you’ve got a fine set of headlights.” This line is older than dirt, but it’s still pretty offensive.

2: If you happen to know the girl’s relatives, do not, I repeat, do not, bad-mouth her relatives. This may be grounds for a much deserved butt-kicking. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3: If you’re not at Mardi Gras, then there’s absolutely no reason to drop this one: “Nice tits, can I see?”

4: This one is almost always a no-no, especially if you’ve landed that first date with her and you’re on it: Do NOT blatantly ogle another gal and say something like, “DAMN! I’d hit that!”

5: Don’t try to get a lady’s attention by calling her by the color of her shirt. Example: “Hey, blue!” How about a simple “Hello” instead?

6: Here’s one that is guaranteed to make you look like a blithering idiot: “So, you’re a girl, huh?”

7: “Do you really think you need to eat that?” You may as well hand her a shotgun and paint a target on your back… or on your nether-regions. Your choice.

8: This one goes for both guys and girls: don’t start blabbing about how badly your last relationship ended. Nobody wants to know about your relationship drama right off the bat.

9: “I’m like a Rubric’s cube. The longer you play with me, the harder I get!” Really? Unless the girl is a hooker, I don’t think she really wants to know how hard you can get during that initial meeting.

10: “Do you have (insert random ethnicity here) in you? No? Do you want some?” I cringe every time I hear this one, and it makes me want to slap the person who said it. That’s just me, though.

11: “Those pants look great… but they’d look better crumpled up on my floor in the morning.” This one warrants a slap, for sure.

12: “There are 206 bones in the human body. Do you want another one?” Hmm, nah, I think I’ll pass. Obviously.

13: “Girl, if you have even HALF the skills your Mom does, we could make magic together.” If you’re dumb enough to drop this one, you had better run. Fast.

14: “You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everyone we did it anyway.” Enough said.

15: And… I think this one takes the proverbial cake: “I haven’t had sex in a really long time. The doc said I should wait until the burning and redness goes away before I try any contact again.”